I have a confession to make. I struggle with bouts of depression.
Like many, 2020 took me to my limits and has followed me thru late winter.
Before you judge me too harshly, let me explain a few factors.
One, there were two decisions made in the very early days of
my cancer treatment. The first was a script written for anti-depressants. I
didn’t really think twice about it. There were a lot of new instructions given
to me, tons of information to digest, along with the poking and prodding of tests and
needles. The second decision - - - well, perhaps we can save that for another
post.
The point to my lengthy explanation is that in July 2020, I
was fully weaned off of them. After watching the dosage increase over 8+ years,
I felt it was just time to stop. After all, by God’s helping hand, I had
overcome so much and I just wanted to continue the detox of so much toxic
garbage that had destroyed my good cells, along with the bad cells. It took 3 months to calibrate the dosage down
to zero. Let me tell you, they aren’t
kidding when they describe the withdrawal side effects (lightening jolts in the
brain, flu-like symptoms). I couldn’t get out of bed for almost a week. And, yes, I was under my doctor's supervision.
But, I did it. I survived. Barely.
About 2 weeks later, I experienced amnesia. In a flash, I
didn’t know who my husband was or the last dozen years of my life. I was
terrified. The word “confused” doesn’t do it justice either. For 15 minutes, I
knew nothing. It took another 15 minutes to slowly start remembering. It really freaked out my husband. This was a pivotal moment in the year
2020. Leading up to this point, I was
adjusting to a "new normal" of unemployment; a dream disappeared and was replaced
by a nightmare; and there was more [how raw should I get].
It was enough for evil forces to swoop in for the final
kill. By mid-August, our marriage was in trouble and I had moved out. Then my mother died in September. Today, mom
would have been 80 years old. Instead, she left for her heavenly home to be
with my sister, my dad and so many more who wait for us to join them.
My husband and I were separated for 4 long months while God refined
our souls. Individually, we were both crying out to God and went down the road to hell and back again--repeatedly. It was the hardest thing I ever experienced, including cancer
treatment.
God remarkably restored our marriage one week before our
divorce court date, which was scheduled 10 days prior to our 14th wedding anniversary. I
don’t believe that either of us can fully understand how the evil forces seeped into our lives and we are determined to never allow it to happen again. God has given us the grace to press forward and
heal under His guidance and mercy.
After all, He is the God of Hope
They say 20/20 is hindsight.
Perhaps 2020 was just a purging within this vessel. Purging of toxic waste, influences and
stinkin’ thinkin’. We can now choose how we refill our vessel [the body, soul (mind) and spirit].
Perhaps this is true for many who have journeyed thru the isolation and
self-reflection of this unusual year (plus).
There is so much I’ve learned about myself, but most of all,
I’ve learned more about the God I serve. In your time of grief, of difficulty,
where does your help come from?
[Psa 121:1-2 NIV]
1 A song of ascents. I lift up my eyes to the
mountains--where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and
earth.
When the mountain doesn’t move, pray for the strength to
climb the mountain.
If the giant doesn’t move, pray for the power to defeat that
giant.
When your burdens are too big, cast them all upon the Lord.
What happens when God doesn’t remove your problem? The Bible
gives us an amazing account of the 3 Hebrew boys thrown into a fiery furnace.
God didn’t stop them from being thrown in, but He stood right there with them
and walked thru it with them.
God is with you in your battle. The battle belongs to God, so let Him fight for you. The only way to withstand the fiery furnace is by coming
to a place of total surrender and ask the Lord to go with you. He will bring
you thru it.
The God of Hope
[Rom 15:13 NIV]
13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as
you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy
Spirit.
As for my amnesia, it happened again 6 months later. I have an EEG test next week and we’ll see
what else is in store. As for my bouts of depression, God continues with those
divine appointments that quickly gets me back to where I need to be -- body, mind & spirit.
Rejoice, my friend, that God’s mercy is new every day ~
