I Just Came to talk with you Lord

Sheri had breast cancer and WHAT a TESTIMONY! Let it buffer up and just enjoy it 'cause you can tell it is from the heart.

Thank you Leon!

Man Cave? Woman Cave? Bat Cave?

Today was my first day back to work since my last chemo Feb 23.  Matt drove since we weren't sure how tired I would be after my shift. I'm so glad, 'cause I was tired.  I can't believe my next session is already this Thursday.  I plan to shove the negative vibes off and go in there and fight like a girl. I'm even gonna try not to miss any work post chemo .... grandiose thoughts ...

Got lots of hugs today welcoming me back and for the loss of Rickie.  He made some friends while he was there.  I'm so behind on thank you cards....hoping people are patient and forgiving. 

My brother-in-law moved out of our spare room this weekend.  We decided to rearrange stuff and now we have our "his" and "her's" cave.  Instead of a "man cave", I'm trying to think of a good name for my room. 

Any ideas?

So far: Fem Den, my Rad Pad .... since my brain isn't as witty as it use to be, I'm looking for that special name.

By the way, got a new side effect that looks like it could be from Taxotere. My big toe nail is black & blue and looks like the nail could fall off (see page 2). I don't remember bumping or smashing it.  So, I'll be showing Doc when I see her Thursday.  Actually, I have various bruises all over.  Probably thanks to the coumadin.

I finally picked up the book borrowed from Barb and began reading it.  At times, I felt so overwhelmed with information that I just began making piles.  Now, I feel I want to be empowered and thought reading this book might just help.  I've already experienced some of the items she has mentioned.

• You will look at life in a whole new way, as something you are lucky to be experiencing.
• You will appreciate every day, just because it is there and has been given to you to enjoy.
• You won't take your health for granted, and will take better care of your mind and your body, making yourself a priority (rather than your family, friends, job, or other distractions).
• You will be calmer ... the little things won't seem to bother you as much.
• You won't worry about tomorrow as much, but live for today.
• You will draw nearer to the people who bring meaning and fulfillment to your life, and get rid of those who don't (crises have an amazing way of revealing someone's true character).
• You will gain extreme clarity ... about exactly who you are and what you want from your life.

from the "Introduction" section

Celebrating Rickie's Life

The calling hours for Rickie were held on March 7.  The photos gave folks an idea of the importance of family, fun and laughter that we all cherished.  His 2 sons and niece wrote about him and we had copies available.  Many stories were shared as well.  Folks from his youth were there, as well as those who just met him on the job. 

Some say that funerals are for the living.  I can see why.

It has been a few days since getting on the computer.  Now that final arrangements are done, grief has begun.  I'm doing my best as my husband takes the steps in the grieving process.  Wish I was physically stronger to care for him.

The flowers are still on the kitchen table.  It is my plan to press and preserve some of the flowers along with the ribbons with the words "father", "grandfather", etc.  I need to pull all the photos off the poster board. Planning to give them to family.

Next on the agenda is taking care of all his financial and personal items.  Probate, etc.

I truly believe that people need to get their affairs in order.  Not just wills, but power of attorney, and every other document that will help families.

The Bridge & The Bear

My brother in law sent this to me .... very fitting as I do nap a lot ~

Love & Support

This afternoon, Katrina hand delivered cards from work and most humbling, money from a fundraiser my co-workers organized and participated in.  We can't even put into words how grateful we are and how much we appreciate the love and support that we feel from so many wonderful people.  How blessed we are.  How honored we are to call them friends.  The waterworks flow easily now.

Food was also delivered too.... me? at a loss for words? ....

If I could climb to the top of a mountain, I would shout to the four corners of earth to proclaim GOD IS GOOD ... ALL THE TIME  and ALL THE TIME... GOD IS GOOD.


Getting Ready

We spent time writing about Rickie to have at the funeral home.  Tomorrow will be spent selecting from all the photos gathered and placing them on poster boards.  CD mix of music. Final touches on the memorial cards (picked out Thomas Kincaid).

Needless to say, a few more days off work ~

Follow-up from Chemo #3

Matt took me to Doc Esther this morning.  I had it in my mind that if she couldn't tell me if the chemo was working, then I was done.  I'm weak and just not really feeling like doing this anymore.  After they took my blood, I sat and waited ... lost in thought.  A few times, the tears flowed of everything that has happened over the past few months.  Then, I began to think about the women I know whose stages are more advanced than mine.  How much more they are going through and I had absolutely no right to sit there and whine.  I'm just tired. No, it's more than just tired ... fatigued.  Not quite right either ... what is a word that can describe being absolutely exhausted?

To her credit, she didn't try to sugar-coat it.  She gave me her full attention and listened.  Because we are not shrinking a tumor, she can not give me the answer to "is the treatment working".  She can only tell me that based on my HER2 protein that statistics say that what treatment I'm getting now can help prevent it from coming back.  Hmmmm, not quite the reassurance I needed to make a decision.  Then, back to the women I have in my mind and in my heart....and back to my daughters and my husband and my family.... ok, I'll stick with it.....

Doc said that there may be a time before all this is over too when I won't be able to go back to work for awhile.  Reduced hours still might be too much.  Ok, looks like I will have to cross that road when I get there.  I reminded her that I'm the only paycheck in the house right now.  She understood.  I was also denied my cancer policy because it became effective Jan 1 and I was diagnosed Dec 7.  She said she would help me appeal it (although I don't know how to change their minds).  Do you?

The blood counts came back and she liked the numbers.  So, the Neulasta is working.  She said that I'm a tad dehydrated, but not bad enough for fluid IV.  (that's good) Doc also told me to eat more junk food (now what doctor would tell you that?) Guess I dropped a few pounds.  She said junk food tastes good and it has calories. ahhhhhh

I asked her again the details for the rest of my treatments.  She is going to adjust next week's chemo .... last chemo should be end of April.  Then 6 weeks of daily radiation.  Then 11 treatments of Herceptin.  Basically, treatments for the remainder of 2012.

What a year ~

Tomorrow, it is my plan to make it to work.  I'm praying for the courage and the strength.

Patchwork of life

Saying Good-bye for Different Reasons

The past 24+ hours have been saying good-bye for different reasons.

Two Father Figures ~

We celebrated the life of Mr. White and yes, I mean celebrated.  To hear of this man's touch in so many lives was astounding.  He certainly had enough energy to pull a locomotive.  As I battle the affects of chemo, it is difficult to imagine myself with even an ounce of energy.

We then made the final arrangements for Pa. When death comes unexpectedly, a flurry of activity ensues.  There are so many decisions to make and a long list of things to take care of.  Rickie's laughter and caring will be missed and the void in our lives can only be replaced with our fond memories. 

And yesterday, we also said a farewell to my mom as she is going to the Carolina's for a few months with my sister.  They are in transit now.  Unfortunately, I didn't get to spend much time with them yesterday after the funeral ... again, my stupid energy level was too low.  I only get to see my sister a couple of times a year.  And, once again, I had to say my farewells to her and Mel.

Death always brings reflections.  If you remember, I boasted my new year's resolution as "de-cluttering" my piles.  Sad to say that I haven't even started.  But, it MUST be done.  There is no way I want my family to have to sort through all this STUFF. 

And reflections of my own life and how are people going to remember me? What kind of legacy am I leaving?  What kind of legacy are you leaving?

If you want to get to know me, this is one of my top 10 songs.  Enjoy the message ~

Another Day of Trying

I didn't get much done today ~ was in bed most of the day. I really need some energy and strength.

Matt and his brother were at Rickie's place packing up.  There is so much to do.  What do people do about taxes? bills? stuff like that?  I'm sure we will have to go through probate too.

Mr. White's funeral is tomorrow.  And, my sister will be up from S. Carolina for just the day.  Then, mom will be traveling back with her on Sunday. 

We are hoping to know a funeral date for Rickie by Monday.  I've requested that day off as well just trying to get things done.  If we have a choice for the funeral, we are looking at Wednesday March 7.

Aunt Dar and cousin Misty came over tonight and we had a wonderful time of story telling.  I am so glad they were here. 

That's it for now. Good-nite.

What Happens if You Die on Feb 29?

It is with great sadness to write about the loss of my father-in-law, Rickie.  We received the phone call from work that Rickie had collapsed and CPR was being administered.  The EMTs were frantically working on him all the way out to the squad. 

I got Matt out the door heading to the hospital and I made the calls to family to meet him there.  I couldn't go, as I was way too weak. 

Matt called. He was dead on arrival. 

Only 57 ~ I can tell you that he was with people who cared about him.  They reacted quickly and he was not alone.  He was with people who cared about me and Matt too.  Rickie worked where I work and a few years ago, Matt did too.  A family owned business with a lot of heart. 




The medical examiner called us today and said he had a really bad heart and that there was nothing anybody could have done.  He died immediately.  For me, that is a God send...anytime there is no suffering is a God send. 

Feb 29 - 3:16pm.  I haven't been to work since my last chemo.  If I would have been there, I would have been in the ambulance with him.  How very sad.

So, what do we do next year? What do people do when there is an important event in your life and it falls on leap year?  I have no clue.

We are trying to put all the pieces together.  No will. No power of attorney. No life insurance policy.  Funeral homes want the money up front.  I know God will provide. He always does. 

We did contact Newcomers and think that we will go with them.  And we will definitely make it a time of day that his co-workers can pay their respect. 

For now, we just want to thank everyone for their words of comfort.  We always appreciate prayer.  A friend sent this video today and it is wonderfully moving.

It's Tuesday

First Tuesday I missed work after chemo.  I am really hurting so I'm glad I'm home.  I slept most of the day away (again).  Mom came over and made homemade chicken soup, yummy.  The good news is I didn't get that metallic taste in my mouth this time around. 

I'm heading for work tomorrow.  Matt wants to drive and I have no problem with that! My legs aren't working so great. 

Jasmine got a job today! In today's economy, it has been difficult for so many. She is very excited and we wish her the best of luck!

Casey had her first emergency call today.  A husband took his own life.  It is sad when someone feels so desperate that they take this final action.  All life has value.  I know you are valued each and every day.  Our prayers are with that family and with my daughter as she begins this type of journey in life.  God is calling her.

Is He calling you?

Day 4 - After Chemo #3

I'm beginning to hit my low again, I can feel the tears well up inside.  This time, it has to do with changes in my life.  Generally, I can handle changes ~ open my arms and embrace them? ~ not without a lot of questions first.  Plan A, Plan B, what about this, what about that.... What I have to rest assure is that God will take care of me whatever changes come my way.  I know this is cryptic, but since it is a public site, I'm going to leave it like that.

Just got done with another nose bleed.  yuck

Yesterday, the bone crunching was intense.  It's like my knee caps were on backwards.  Reminds me of an alien movie I saw where the alien's legs bent like a grasshopper.  Sort of like how I feel and walk.  The cane I bought last week is helping.  A very cool cane that collapses and fits in my purse.  It gets me up and down the stairs too. 

I didn't go to work today and will probably take Tuesday off as well.  Last time, I wish I had ... so I'm basing it off that. 



Life seems SURREAL.  Pinch me .... am I really here?

Day 2 - after Chemo #3

I slept most of Saturday away.  Trying to keep the pain under control, which means that I fall asleep a lot taking pain medication.  That's okay. Sleep is helping my body recover too.

Starting the coumadin again .... Just 1 pill! then 1-1/2.  I just took 7 different pills, so you can see how confusing this can be.

My sister/husband made dinner for us tonight.  It was fabulous and I could taste it! I'm spoiled rotten.

I'm so behind on thank you cards and letter writing.  I want to send a note to my Aunt Midge this weekend.  I use to be an excellent pen-pal (before computers).  We moved so many times during my school years and I loved to write my friends.  It is a lost art.  With quick e-mails and instant texting, the rich flavor of words have disappeared.  I use to write short stories and use descriptive words.... I liked the poem I wrote of my sister.  Visual.

Pathway

May God Bless you today ~

The Day After - Chemo #3

Last night after getting ready for bed, I made the decision not to go into work today.  The first Friday I missed after chemo.  I was just too exhausted to think about getting up early and putting in a full day.  I'm ever so glad I made that decision.

I slept on & off most of the day with the company of all my animals (boy, they can sleep A LOT!)  Watched a John Wayne comedy (yes, he made a comedy) called McClintock. Loved it!

Took off for the cancer center for my shot of Neulasta. We braved the high winds today and I wore my leopard hat that is snug fitting ... so windy my hair would have blown off my scalp, if I had any!  The nurse was "petting" my hat because it's soft as a kitty.  Nurse Bev, from yesterday, left a magazine for me of photographs of extreme sports.  Awesome photos from exotic places .... oh, how I wish I could go to places and capture everything breathtaking.  Anyway, (back to the shot) .... nurse had me hold the syringe to warm it up while she was getting things ready.  It was cold and she said it burns going in if the fluid is cold.  Did my best to warm it up!  Easy-peazy, no pain going in!  Continue taking the Clairton to ease the bone and muscle pain that is suppose to last 3-4 days.  Hoping to feel like a new woman!

We stopped by mom's to pick up dinner she made for us.  It was good to visit .... as I haven't seen her much since all this started.  Little sister is picking her up next weekend and taking her south for a few months.  She is so excited and I know that it is definitely time for her to get out of the 4 walls and do something different and in warmer climate. 

Debbie sent over this video that is very worthy of sharing.  Hope it moves you

It's A Good Day

Teri reading her book

Teri & I arrived on time for the THIRD round of cocktails.  I was hoping for the corner suite like last time .... guess what! I actually have my own room this time! With a door, a sink, and a TV.  How awesome is that, lol ~

Last week during my follow up, my numbers were really low.  Nurse Bev explained that treatment could be delayed if my numbers didn't come up.  So, we had our fingers crossed, said a little prayer and waited.  John, intern from Malone, is on site learning today.  Of course I had to mention my daughter who is graduating from Malone with a masters, where she is and what she is doing, ya-da-ya-da-ya-da. 

Any way, I got all prepped with the IV in the port.

Christina (pharmacist) came in to discuss my pain levels and side effects since the last treatment.  She also explained more about the Neulasta and gave me Clairiton to help with the side effects from it.  More bone pain .... just great :(  My shot is 4:00 Friday and then every time after chemo to boost my white blood cells.

Nurse Bev and John came in doing the happy dance with jazz hands! My levels are good! My liver and kidneys are up for it as well.  Everything is a go!


Signing off for now to get ready for my cocktails ~










It's almost 7pm now and I thought I would write a quick update and then hit the hay for work tomorrow.

My counts did come back at good enough levels to go ahead with chemo today.  But, I really messed up on the coumadin.  The 1-1/2 pill was every other day ... I was taking it every day.  The INR test came back 4.75 - CRITICAL PANIC HIGH.  Normal level is between 2.0-3.0.  oops.  Doc Esther explained again how to take it and I was confused.  Even the nurse was somewhat confused.  But we got it.  Don't take it until Saturday.  Got it.  Then on Saturday take 1 pill. On Sunday, 1-1/2 Pill and then alternate.  I really thought she said 1-1/2 pill every day...plus it wasn't written down at her office. 

I fell asleep right away again from the meds.  Everything went pretty smooth.  I took my dance partner (IV stand) and gave out Purell to my neighbors.  That is always fun to do.

We got done at 3:30 today and made our way to Subway. And, I got spinach on my sub to help lower my coumadin numbers.

Well, my brain isn't working very well so I'll sign off for now.  Good night :)

Shot in the Arm

This news story came on today about Tom and Laura who own a coffee and tea shop in Independence, OH.  Their story is heartwarming and if you live in the area, stop by on Wednesday, Feb 29 between 5:00pm-7:30pm.  They are the only locally owned coffee shop in the area.

Take a listen to their story

Brielle's

@briellescoffee

Brielle's Coffee & Tea Room Muffins, Cookies, Scones baked fresh Lunch Entrees, Catering, Box Lunches, gatherings and meetings. (216) 642-9292

6523 RT 21 Independence     

Methotrexate Shortage has Ceased!

Response from the Critical Shortage Post

Dear Carol,
We are pleased to share with you that this morning, the FDA reported that the preservative-free methotrexate shortage has ceased.

Based on quick action by numerous pharmaceutical companies, and thanks to your calls and letters, preservative-free methotrexate is being produced and shipped to hospitals and treatment centers in need. Many companies who were not major producers of the drug, or in some cases, were not making the preservative-free version at all, have increased or begun production in order to stop the shortage. The FDA believes that based on new production schedules, the shortage will be completely resolved.
CureSearch, along with the children's cancer community, continues to work with the FDA and Congress to ensure that in the future, such shortages do not occur at all.

Thank you for making your voice heard. You truly made a difference in ensuring that treatment continues, uninterrupted, for children with ALL and osteosarcoma.
Sincerely,
                    Erica Neufeld
                    Vice President of Communications and Advocacy
Erica.Neufeld@CureSearch.org
(240) 235-2201

R.I.P.

The White's Farm - God's Country

We received the news today that our wonderful friend, Mr. White, went home to be with the Lord today.  He fought a courageous battle with cancer but is a testimony of miracles.

Dear Father, I ask that you be with the family right now.  Guide them through this journey of loss.  I pray that Jim's transition to your arms is GLORIOUS where he no longer suffers and is forever at peace. 

One day, Lord, we will have a reunion that will bring down the barn roof! When we will worship YOU and praise YOU for all eternity! 

We have not really lost him, for we know exactly where he is!

More cocktails a'coming Thursday!

I'm SOOOO excited for my next treatment Thursday! Why, you might ask?  Because I'm SOOOO tired! I plan to sleep most of the day away.  PLUS, it will be the half-way point of my chemo cocktail. 

I'll find out what time Friday that I will get the shot to boost my white blood cell count.  Looking forward to that too as I feel so drained.

Family is gearing up for meals during my bad days.  Don't be jealous ... 'cause they are EXCELLENT cooks!  Our Family Recipes are shared on blogspot.

Have a blessed day!

The Love of Caregivers

Nikki told me about Martina McBride's song about caregivers.  She mentioned how it felt to be a caregiver, because she was for her husband.  This video is amazing, powerful, and true. 

I'm so very thankful ~ every day ~ for the caregivers in my life.  I've never wanted to be a burden to anyone. It is very humbling to ask for help....but in most cases, I don't have to ask.  A helping hand is always there. 

The hugs I get are powerful as well.  I get them daily from many sources.  Sometimes, they come unexpectedly from people I barely know.

I can tell you that to me, knowing that I am not alone makes all the difference in the world.  To know that people are praying for me.  To know that people care ~ amazing.

So thank you.   Please listen to this song and to those who feel this same amazement at the love and support that they received.

Link to Caregivers and more articles

TGIF ~

Thankful that today is Friday.  I didn't feel so great today.  My own fault.... Matt drove me to work today and since I was in pain, I decided to take a pain pill.  Breakfast was hours earlier and taking that tiny pill on an empty stomach made me nauseous, dizzy and way off.  Nope, won't do that again.

We had a department luncheon and Debbie was kind enough to get me a bowl of soup.  I sat at my desk for a bit to let it warm my tummy and get me back on track.  Finally, I joined the group in the other room and enjoyed the conversation.  Then, I felt something strange....touched my nose and had blood on my fingers.  Ever so discreetly, I left the room to attend to my bloody nose.  Jeez .... I noticed a bruise on my forearm and can't remember how I got that. Coumadin and cocktails.... Kinda felt like I was falling apart today.

Matt picked me up at 4:30 and I was relieved to go home. Did I mention how relieved I am it's Friday?

On other news, Jasmine moved today a little bit closer to home.  I met the family she is living with and they seem very nice.  We have plans to get Jasmine's license and then make an appointment to get her wisdom teeth removed.  She has been having quite a few headaches and it is terrible if an infection starts in the gums as the poison can travel straight to the heart. 

My friend, Marylee, is leaving for a missions trip to Haiti.  I am so overjoyed for her as this is her heart's desire and she has made several trips there already.  She has a real love for them.  I'm anxious to hear all the wonderful news she will bring back with her....and PICTURES....I am a shutterbug and I love pictures!

Looking Glass Falls

Gonna take it easy this weekend.  May you have a beautiful day ~

Test Results for #2 Session

Today was my follow-up appointment with my oncologist.  Doc Esther came back from vacation and was running about an hour behind schedule.  Don't you just hate it when you have to wait at doctor appointments?  But, I try to relax and not get overly anxious. 

My INR for my coumidine is 1.7 (needs to be between 2-3).  So, she wants me to go up 1/2 a pill (1-1/2 pill per day).

My white blood cells are low.  So, I will need to get a shot of Neulasta 24 hours after my chemo (Friday).  I'm not liking the side effect list .... man, oh man.  Hoping insurance pays a good chunk of it.

My blood pressure was good :)

I asked her to write a 90 day script for my nausea medicine.  She had only been writing them for 15 pills at a time and it cost $38.50.  I explained our discount plan that it would be $15 for 90 day supply.  I dropped off the script on the way to work only to discover that it had been written for 30 days for $232 dollars.  Oh boy.... it took lots of phone calls to get that all squared away.  Mission accomplished.

Tired ....

It's been nice having Jasmine spend the night yesterday and today.  She made chilie for dinner and has been helping around the house.  I'm glad she has been able to lend a helping hand!

Good night ~

South Carolina

That Fogginess

Duct Tape is Wonderful

So there IS such a thing as Chemo Brain !!! I knew it just wasn't ME....seriously?!  Pre-chemo, I use to say I had "some-timerz", not Alzheimer's (hope I'm not offending anyone).

The article states
Here are just a few examples of what patients call chemo brain:

• Forgetting things that they usually have no trouble recalling (memory lapses)
• Trouble concentrating (they can’t focus on what they’re doing, have a short attention span, may “space out”)
• Trouble remembering details like names, dates, and sometimes larger events
• Trouble multi-tasking, like answering the phone while cooking, without losing track of one task (they are less able to do more than one thing at a time)
• Taking longer to finish things (disorganized, slower thinking and processing)
• Trouble remembering common words (unable to find the right words to finish a sentence)

I can certainly attest to it!

I see my oncologist in the morning and my blog helps me keep things in order.  Like most people, I make lists and try to remember it all.

Day-to-day coping

Experts have been studying memory for a long time. There are many resources that might help you sharpen your mental abilities and manage the problems that may come with chemo brain. Some things that you can do are:

• Use a detailed daily planner. Keeping everything in one place makes it easier to find the reminders you may need. Serious planner users keep track of their appointments and schedules, “to do” lists, important dates, websites, phone numbers and addresses, meeting notes, and even movies they’d like to see or books they’d like to read.
• Exercise your brain. Take a class, do word puzzles, or learn a new language.
• Get enough rest and sleep.
• Exercise your body. Regular physical activity is not only good for your body, but also improves your mood, makes you feel more alert, and decreases tiredness (fatigue).
• Eat your veggies. Studies have shown that eating more vegetables is linked to keeping brain power as people age.
• Set up and follow routines. Pick a certain place for commonly lost objects and put them there each time. Try to keep the same daily schedule.
• Don’t try to multi-task. Focus on one thing at a time.
• Ask for help when you need it. Friends and loved ones can help with daily tasks to cut down on distractions and help you save mental energy.
• Track your memory problems. Keep a diary of when you notice problems and the events that are going on at the time. Medicines taken, time of day, and the situation you are in might help you figure out what affects your memory. Keeping track of when the problems are most noticeable can also help you prepare. You’ll know to avoid planning important conversations or appointments during those times. This will also be useful when you talk with your doctor about these problems.
• Try not to focus so much on how much these symptoms bother you. Accepting the problem will help you deal with it. As many patients have noted, being able to laugh about things you can’t control can help you cope. And remember, you probably notice your problems much more than others do. Sometimes we all have to laugh about forgetting to take the grocery list with us to the store.

Critical Shortage of Medication

Critical Shortage of Medication for ALL: You Can Help

There is currently a significant shortage of the chemotherapy medication preservative-free methotrexate in the United States. This drug is critical to the treatment of children with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL). Unless production of preservative-free methotrexate increases, hospitals will run out of the medication completely in the days and weeks ahead.

I've been reading about shortages in chemo drugs.  Put a face to the need and meet this dear child . Also, read Lil Blue Boo.

Take a moment from your precious time to help save precious time for cancer patients. Here is what you can do

Happy Valentine's Day

What is Love?

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
⁸ Love never fails

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

It's a Matter of Life & Death

This canzer-thingy sucks. It's mean and it does kill.  How long is it going to take before someone finds a cure that is 100% effective?  I followed Lanie's Blog .... and then reality hit once again.

I also follow Lil Blue Boo ... Ashley is amazing and celebrates "Choosing Joy" every day. I can't even begin to compare our diagnosis or treatments (nor should I), but to say that she is a very strong individual who kicks butt.

This disease creeps into our lives and changes us forever. 

If we are blessed to reach remission, we are still looking over our shoulder and wondering if it will return. (as in other blogs I follow listed on the right side of my blog)

REALITY CHECK

A wonderful friend of ours is in hospice.  He is in his final stages of his home-going. We all have an ending story. A beginning, a middle and an end.   I can't imagine facing death without God .... it would be too lonely, too depressing.  I'm thankful that my eyes are wide open now about life in general.  I wasted much of it with stupid stuff.  Now, I get a chance to make things right in many areas of my life.

Colorado

Don't wait to get a diagnosis like cancer ...

make life altering changes

FOR THE BETTER

right now ~

Pink Glove Dance

Crop Circles

Yesterday after my shower, the stubble on my head looked like crop circles.  No, really, it's true! Most of it was laying down, disconnected.  What a sight! I think I could have just stayed under the shower nozzle and wait for it to all wash out.  Instead, another session with Matt.  This time with lather and a Gillette Mach 3 razor.  I sat on the edge of the tub and let him take his time on my scalp.

Bald and beautiful!  Well, don't know about the beautiful part though, lol.

Saturday, I paid bills and lounged around. 
Sunday, I plan to clean the kitchen and organize some of my piles.
Not too productive, just kinda taking it easy.

The winter snow hit us this weekend in beautiful Ohio. 

May you be a blessing to someone today!

My Soul is Restored

Above Me

A wonderful friend of mine from my school days in North Carolina has been a great encourager.  He said that through prayer and support that "all bases are covered, but don't forget short stop (your BIBLE)".  He reminded me of Psalm 23, which our family is very familiar with as we have read it at many of our funerals.  But reading it again, brings even more assurance that right here and right now, God's words sustain me.  His promises to us are true.



Psalms 23:1-6(NKJV)
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever.


As I listened to a recent sermon, the subject was loving God with all your heart, soul, and mind.  What is the definition of soul?  It is your "personhood"...what makes you, "you"... our "character". 

This journey has many valleys.  I can tell you that right now, my soul (my personhood) has been restored.

Thank you Jesus ~

The Pickle Jar

A forwarded e-mail worthy of sharing ~

The pickle jar, as far back as I can remember, sat on the floor beside the dresser in my parents' bedroom.  When he got ready for bed, Dad would empty his pockets and toss his coins into the jar

Sleep is Good

Thank you for all the prayers and messages.  I have been in bed by 7:30 each night, so haven't been on top of messages.  It makes my heart smile to read them.

Today, the side effects have lessened their grip.  It is Day 7 post chemo and I'm trying to think of foods that won't make me nauseous.  The vitamin k in leafy greens is a "no-no" because of the coumidine....salads, broccoli, spinach.  I can have it, but if I do, it has to be all the time or none at all because it will spike my blood tests. 

Sleep is good and I can tell it is helping my body recover from the chemo.  I'm going to make it a point to get more of it after treatments.

I'm thinking clearer today.  The skies are bluer today.  God is still holding me.

My Pity Party

The last few days have been kinda rough.  I missed all day Monday ... managed to work Tuesday 10:15-4:00.  I have no idea how I drove to work and back. I don't think I'm going to try that again either.  I'll just have to book both Monday & Tuesday after chemo that I'm going to be off work. 

Everything inside of me is getting killed.  I'm feeling it.

I got home yesterday and went straight to bed.  Matt came home from school around 8pm and was distraught that I hadn't taken my medicine or eaten.  Getting hard to eat.  Not hungry and that metallic taste is back.  So, looks like I'll need a babysitter on Tuesday after.

I'm feeling sorry for myself and I don't want to.  I really don't want to do this anymore.  But I have to.

*sigh*

To Believe

Jackie Evancho
To Believe

Express Yourself

When the time comes, I will learn how to make eyebrows.  I had NO IDEA this is how to do it!

Laughter Heals

We've all heard that laughter heals.  I see no reason to doubt it!  Hope you get a kick out of this!

Belly laughs are wonderful for the soul and  Laughter heals

Silly Kitties

Just another Sunday

Just a quick note to let you know that I'm hanging in there .... although very tired and my bones hurt like last time.  Keeping the pain at bay as much as possible.  Decided to rest one more day and go back to work Tuesday. 

Peace be with you ~

Sleepy Time ~

I've lost some hours somewhere .... Last I remember, went to work Friday.  Okay day, but got tired before lunch time.  Matt picked me up around 4:00 (glad I wasn't driving) and we went to Sam's club looking for printer ink.  (thank goodness for scooters) They didn't have it so our money went on other "stuff".  Almonds for one.  The nutritionist on my "team" called me to talk about my numbers and even though they looked good, was encouraging me to get more protein and iron to promote healing.  nuts, yogurt, cheese, meats, etc. And, if I'm not hungry for a full meal, snack on trail mix.  Got that too.

Stopped at my sister's house to pick up our yummy dinner. Ate most of it (saving the rest for later) and crashed about 7:30pm on the couch.  I woke up about 4:00am, took my first pain pill and went to bed.  I've been sleeping most of this day away too.  No nausea, pain is under control.  Don't want to walk much though as I can feel it in my feet.

Last time, everything hit me hard on Sunday.  Not sure what to expect, but I'm READY FOR IT and will kick it in the butt this time!

How are You being Treated today?

I hope you are being treated well today.  I am! Got my cocktail, recliner, laptop, penthouse suite, window overlooking the countryside (i mean parking lot) ... All last year, I kept saying I was going on a sabbatical.  Even wrote it on the white board at work.  Look~ I can certainly consider this my sabbatical ... why not? There sure is time to reflect and definitely re-align areas of life.

Matt brought me to the treatment center and helped me get settled in.  Adam (brother-in-law) followed us in ... Matt got to stay for awhile and then took off for school.  He already missed his first class.  It was great having that 1 on 1 conversion with Adam.  We talk about life, relationships and God. 

The usual blood work was done before treatment can start.  It is important to make sure my body is on track before chemo drugs saturate my system.  She said all my levels are excellent. Today, I have Nurse Dawn and I REALLY like her.  I think it is wonderful when the person who is caring for you actually cares.  Know what I mean jellybean? My blood level for the cumidine is 2.86 (should be between 2-3). 

My first drug was Herceptin .... this time, it was only for 30 minutes instead of the initial 90 minutes on the last treatment.  It was in a millisecond that my eyelids felt heavy from the benedryl.  Got a dose of steroids too and other stuff.  Not sure I made any sense during my convo with Adam .... although I'm positive he followed my line of thinking.

Once the tox began, the icebags came on too ... both hands and feet (therefore no typing). This drip is for 3 hours.  About lunchtime, Adam took off and I got a sandwich and mac & cheese. 

I tried to check my messages and then my eyelids went down again.  zzzzzzz

I woke up right before 2:00 and Nurse Dawn was putting on the 3rd bag.  Whaaa?? She said I should be done by 2:30!  Way earlier than I thought, so I made that quick call to Marylee for my transportation.  She is on her way :)

Wish I would have brought my camera.  I'm in the corner penthouse suite.  This section is twice as big as the one I had last time.  Got a huge window that my recliner faces.  Even though it is cloudy, I can find solace and beauty as my eyes roam the canvas.  (I REALLY need to have another photo shoot soon. I'm just itching to snap away)

Well, I'll come back to this post and fix any errors and add to it! I'm beeping, ready to start packing up!

8:15pm - Matt is home from school.  I just finished eating "most" of my dinner.  So far, no side effects and I hope to go to work Friday.  Last time, the stuff hit Sunday and lasted a few days.  Counting on the new pain meds to help me get through it.

Thank you for hugging me, thinking of me, praying for me, encouraging me .... hmmm, sure is a lot of "me" in this statement.  It's not all about me.  Your walk in this life is just as eventful.  Be sure you allow me the opportunity to hug you, think of you, pray for you, encourage you.  ok? THAT'S what makes my heart happy!

A Couple of Photos

I got most of my stuff done tonight as I prepare to be "out-of-sorts" for a few days.  My goodie bag for tomorrow is ready and I'll be taking my laptop to keep in touch with the outside world.

There has been some requests to share photos of my beautiful round head. Here goes!

Sorry about the quality ... can't use flash when pointing the camera at a mirror!

Self Portrait

I like the scarves better than the hats and wig.  Finding fabulous ways to tie them. 

Gypsy Woman

Rocker Chick

I have no idea what I'm doing!  Last time I posed like this, it looked like I had arthritis ... lol

My Knight in Shining Armor

My brave husband shaved my head tonight.  Even though he didn't want to, he picked up the electric razor and did what I asked.  As my daughter said, I'm leaving my DNA all over the place and I had enough.   He was gentle and kind.  Since it was just the two of us, no pictures were done to document the event.  Perhaps I will be brave enough to share my bare head, perhaps I won't.  We didn't do anything creative, like shave designs or a mohawk ... nothing fun or exciting. 

I'm wearing a scarf tonight to get use to the feel. After wearing a hat all day, with my dead hair underneath, I absolutely pulled it off my head as soon as I got home from work. It was itchy, hot and bothersome. I tried on the borrowed wig tonight and need to get it fitted before I wear it. 

Me & my windshield wiper eyebrows

Mom was right, my head is perfectly round.  (she mentioned that I had a nice round head as a baby)

My hair will grow back.

And this canzer-thingy will not define me.

Neither will what I look like.


My knight in shining armor wrote me this poem when we were engaged. He tells me several times a day just how much he loves me ~

You Are

You are the Passion of my Romance and the Pillar of my Support

You calm me in the Storms of my Days

You smooth away my Coarseness

You run by my side and put me in Importance

You bring Surety to my Doubts

And bring Clarity when things seem Confused

You are the Green Pastures that He has led me to

You are my Palace which stands upon the Rock our Lord

You are my Jewel that is shined upon by the Light our Lord

You are my confidant, my best friend, my soulmate,

And I pray for the day that You are my Wife.

                   I Love You Carol Lynn Landon

Learning How to Tie Scarves

Shopping

Expressing Myself

This weekend went REALLY fast! Today, Christie, mom & I went to lunch, movie and shopping.  We laughed at "One for the Money" and bought more hats and scarfs.  I hated trying them on, as I was afraid of leaving bits of my hair in them (sorry folks). 

Christie brought over a razor for me...just not sure when I will be doing it, but know that it will be in the next few days.  My head feels weird.  It's like I hit the the back of my head on pavement. Or like I've been wearing a helmet all day and just took it off...that heavy feeling and my hair isn't connected to my scalp.

Matt's getting freaked out every time I show him a fist full of hair.  I think its kinda funny (not ha-ha funny, but strange funny).  When I wash my face tonight, I wonder if I'm going to wash my eyebrows off.  Now, that is what is STRANGE.  How are you going to know my expression? At least with a hat or wig, I look half way normal .... but, no eyebrows?  Oh, draw them on?  I'm the person who would touch my face and have it smeared all up on my forehead. 

My kids already make fun of my "windshield wiper" eyebrows.  Casey has a nice arch, Jasmine is working on hers too. 









Anyway, just wanted to vent a little on that topic.  Some day, this will all end and my hair will grow again.  Those who love me will still love me.

And the perk? I don't have razor stubble on my legs.  Smooooooth.....

Nutrients

I have been following Lil Blue Boo. Her blog is very creative and informative. Please read this post on Nutrients and incorporate it into your life.

http://www.lilblueboo.com/2012/01/a-lecture-from-dr-mom.html

It's Begun

A wonderful warm shower this morning ... and a fist full of hair.

Lookin' a little Junkie

The Gorge

This morning, I had my first INR Blood Test which measured 1.8.  Doc said I'm right on target (needs to be between 2-3).  She said I don't have to take the remainder of the shots (Framine) as the blood thinners are doing what it needs to do.  There are 2 shots left, which she wants me to save in case my numbers get low again.  I look like a "junkie" on my belly as the needle marks are leaving bruises.

She wants another test next Friday and then every 2 weeks.  She asked me if I was up to collecting my own numbers and adjusting my Coumidine accordingly.  Sure, why not?  I just call in for the results and if I'm unsure, I'll ask.  Taking 5mg now....either add to it or take it every other day, etc. 

I also asked to have them at the "satellite" medical center closer to work and she said yes.  It's getting old going downtown already!

Today is a good day.  Already dreading next Thursday, but I'm trying to just focus on today ... in the moment .... right?!

Matt came home from school last night very sick.  He doesn't want to spread his germs, so has taken precautions as much as possible.  Bummer :(

IT'S FRIDAY!  May your day be as awesome as you are!

You are Beautiful

Oncotype DX Revisited

Blue Ridge Parkway

During my follow-up appointment with Doc Esther, I mentioned that the surgeon had ordered the Oncotype DX test. (see post "The Day After - Jan 13") I had agreed to the test in a phone call with the agency and asked Doc if the results would make a difference in my treatments.  She said that I tested positive for all 3 areas that matter and the test would not provide anything new.  Doc recommended cancelling the order.  Okay, so it cost $4,100 ... I have no problems cancelling if the information is redundant.  Even tho they said I qualified for financial aid, I didn't have that in writing.  Makes me leary ~

I called to first find out if the test was already completed and therefore too late to cancel.  It would be complete within 24 hours and if I wanted to cancel it, my oncologist had to make the call.  Well, I'm the one who has to pay for it, why can't I be the one to cancel it? 

This morning, the Doc's office took care of it.  THANKFULLY.

Lesson learned - remember that there is a WHOLE lot of people on your "team".  Make sure the right hand knows what the left hand is doing.  It didn't dawn on me that my surgeon ordered a test to decide what the best treatment is .... get it?  The medical oncologist is the one who decides the treatment.  Light bulb!

All's well that ends well ~

PS  I feel good today.  :)

No Pressure Here

I do believe the blood thinner is working! My arm does not hurt as bad and the pressure seems to be easing.  Matt gave me the shot in my belly this morning and did a fabulous job.  4 more to go!

More good news .... I have my taste buds back! Yeah!  Hubby made steak for dinner tonight and I could actually taste it.

He drove me to/from work today as I wasn't sure how shaky I was gonna be. 

Sis' Backyard

Life is good ~ Isn't it?

I feel free as a bird.

Elf-like Earrings

A few years ago, I picked up these earrings at an art expo.  Aren't they way cool?  I didn't wear them much because of my long hair, but now....

Matt took this picture Jan 21. Just showing off my short cut.  A very different look for me.

Somebody Just Shoot Me ~ Would ya?

My hospital room was a private room and I was certainly grateful for that.  It's been awhile since I've been overnight in the hospital.  All the nurses were great, no problem there.  I tried to fall asleep by 11:00, but as tired as I was, struggled.  My arm was pounding and it was difficult getting comfortable. About 2:30, I asked Nurse Ashley for the sleeping pill she had on order.  I think it worked by 4:00.  I got up between 6-7am (I think) and got myself ready to go home.

Matt arrived about 8:30am to learn how to give me a shot.  He has experience with a diabetic, so it set my mind at ease.  We had to first wait for Doc Esther to do her rounds and to provide the prescriptions.  When I saw her, she said that I would need to take blood thinners for at least 3 months if not for the whole duration of chemotherapy :( 

I asked her how many blood clots and she said "multiple". My arm experienced trauma from the port. (anybody see pictures of that?!)  Okay, so the port was put in Jan 4. My first chemo was Jan 12. And now my follow up was Jan 23.  Besides calling the doc's office last week, there were a few times that she did see my arm AND I did give her photos when I saw her Jan 12.  (the ones you see in my earlier post).  I told her that I was glad she listened to me and that she ordered the ultrasound.  I hope I was letting her know that "hey, I know my body and it was telling me it was off.  Next time, listen to me clearer".  How about this....next time I speak LOUDER.  In her own words, she told me to get bitchier. For those who know me, not quite my style....but this is one thing that you don't have to tell me twice.

After she left, we had to wait for the pharmacy to bring the kit and show us how to use it.  We waited and waited.  Then, we were given the script to pick it up at CVS.  The pharmacist called it in for price and the Lovenox was $1,000.  No can do.  Give me something else or forget it.  So then we waited more hours as they determined that Fragmin could be an alternative.  But, guess what, still expensive. So, the social worker came in next to see if we qualify for financial aid.  But do you know how long that takes?  I'll need my next shot at 9pm.   Feel like I'm behind the eight ball.

She came back in with the offer that they may have some "in reserve".  If so, we could make arrangements to pick it up.  By 12:30, we were heading back to the McDowell center to pick up the needed syringes and God has blessed us .... free!  PLUS instead of twice a day, I only need 1 shot per day. I like that!

I would say "somebody just shoot me!"  And it looks like it will be possible.

Home by 1pm, lunch in my belly.  A quick note to catch everyone up. And a thank you to all those that cared for me Ashley, Gea, the social workers.

Colorado

As I was at the discharge desk, I met a beautiful woman who had just lost her mom 5 months ago to breast cancer.  I understand her sadness.  Her mom was her best friend.  I'm glad that my heart and mind was open to receive her (and not still inside my own drama).  I plan to visit her from time to time just to say hi and to keep her in my daily prayers.

Now for some rest ~

First Follow-up Post Chemo & Hospital Stay

Very long day....but now that I am finally settled in my hospital bed (10:25pm), I'll try to recount the events of today.

My appointment with Doc Esther was at 1pm today.  My blood count (napir) was great and I got the opportunity to ask her a lot of questions.

First on the list was my port and the fact that I had deep blue veins showing through my skin.  It was still tender and sore.  Once she examined me, she decided to have an ultrasound done to check for blood clots.  Her assistant got it set up for 4:00 today and the work order said "Hold patient".  So, I wasn't going anywhere until the test was read and my doctor reviewed it.  So, I waited in the waiting room (good name to call the room) until I got antsy around 5:20p and asked them if I could go home.  The receptionist said my doctor is calling me on the hallway phone.  Doc Esther said that there were blood clots and that she wanted me to report to admitting in the main hospital.  Whaaa???? I wasn't ready for that! No overnight bag....what about my car?.....what about my husband?  (you should call him, she said).....my head is swimming (I know that, dear, but you just need to go to the admitting desk and they will take care of you).

I called Matt to tell him and he quickly made arrangements to get to the hospital.  Jasmine was with him as she was coming over for dinner tonight.  My brother-in-law dropped them off at the hospital so Matt could take my car back home (good thinking sis).  They arrived while I was still in the lobby waiting for my transportation.  We decided to get dinner at the cafe since I would be missing the dinner hour on the floor.  Salad was great ~

While we waited, Doc Esther walked by, saw me, and stopped to explain further what was going to happen.  Cumadine takes too long to take effect in the body, so in the meantime, I am to get shots of Lovenox in my belly. They have kits and will teach us how to self administer twice a day in the belly for five days.  Wow, what a turn of events!

So, I finally got settled in.  Family has gone home. Meds have been given. Shot has been given. Now, I've just settled back with the laptop that mom & Tommy got and listening to the constant beep in the hallway. 

The pharmacist will be here in the morning to show us how to administer the shot.  After that, I should be able to go home. 

I did call the doctor's office Friday about the port, but was told it was normal.  I mentioned that I didn't want to call and bug and Doc said "you have to be a bitch. you have to nag"  So, next time, I'm going to press harder because I did know something was "off" in my body. 

Some of the other questions:

1) pH balance and vitamin supplements (specially Vitamin D): Doc wasn't very keen on either ideas.  She said the kidneys already did a fabulous job of balancing the body.  If I drink milk, then I am probably getting enough Vit D.  Always room for better food intake and I know I need to do better in this area. Feedback?

2) Talked about the bone-crushing effects and the neuropathy. Doc said that each chemo treatment would have a different level of pain and symptoms each time.  She agreed to change my pain meds. (relief)

3) Talked about chemo and radiation treatment....staying on course? or any changes?  5 more treatments, plus 11 more for the Herceptin.  Then radiation.  Any chance we can cancel the radiation? "not a chance, there would be a 40% chance of canzer coming  back if we don't". hmmmmm

My notes are out in the car,  but this is what I remember so far.

My night nurse, Ashley, has been great.  She is personable and told me about her mother's experience (6 years survivor and doing well).  Her brother is studying pharmaceuticals in Germany and you can tell how proud she is of him.

Backyard

Getting tired, so I'll sign off for now.  I'll certainly keep you posted!
Sleep well ~