Chemo Brain versus Something Else

 

We’ve all experienced a minor hiccup when it comes to our memory.  We laugh about it and even make up silly songs. 

 

The chemo cocktails are toxic. It kills cancer and it also kills good cells. I’m not sure how long the effects last or how age can tamper with our memory, but this is the next battle I’m facing. 

It’s a little more than forgetting why I walked into a room to do something.  The first time it happened, I forgot who my husband was and I lost a decade of memories.  It finally came back, but man, oh man, it really blind-sided both of us.   When it happened again 6 months later, I made a doctor’s appointment.  Again, my memories returned, except the last several moments when it happened.  Those moments are gone. 

My doctor wrote amnesia.  Hmm, sounds like a better description than black outs.  Oh, I’m fully awake when it happens and alcohol is not involved (which evokes the connotation of the word “black out”).  I haven’t decided how much I’ll share or how raw, but this issue almost cost me my marriage.  By the grace of God, our marriage is whole again and better than before. 

Insurance denied a CTscan, so an EEG has been scheduled in February.  Until then, no driving allowed and just trying to keep tranquility all around me and “be still”.

 

Don’t fear for the future, God is already there ~

The Sound of Wisdom

 

There are seasons in my life when I experience major transitions. Some come out of left field and some were choices that I needed to make. Decisions should never be made lightly because they always come with consequences.   As we peel away the layers of each decision we ever made, we can see both the blessings and the losses.  

The unintentional consequence can be your biggest polishing stone. 

 

As God refines us in the heat of the fire, that is when we mature in our walk with Him.  When the fire is the hottest, is when He is the closest. 

Webster’s dictionary (1828) defines Wisdom as, “the right use or exercise of knowledge; the choice of laudable ends, and of the best means to accomplish them.”  It is more than “prudence”.

  

Wisdom is the exercise of sound judgment

either in avoiding evils or attempting good.

 

Solomon was deemed the wisest man by having the power of discerning and judging correctly. The mind is “sense and reason”, without the Holy Spirit. Reasoning blocks discernment.

Proverbs 

1 The proverbs of Solomon son of David, king of Israel:

2 for gaining wisdom and instruction; for understanding words of insight;

3 for receiving instruction in prudent behavior, doing what is right and just and fair;

4 for giving prudence to those who are simple, knowledge and discretion to the young-

5 let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance-

6 for understanding proverbs and parables, the sayings and riddles of the wise.

7 the [reverent] fear of the LORD [that is, worshiping Him and regarding Him as truly awesome] is the beginning and the preeminent part of knowledge [its starting point and its essence]; But arrogant fools despise [skillful and godly] wisdom and instruction and self-discipline. 

The fall of man changed God’s original intention for us, but our character is developed by the Word of God and in His commandments.  Unforgiveness steals our peace, steals our joy and prevents answered prayer; it hinders God’s presence in our life. Mercy prevents us from being self-centered. Mercy triumphs over judgment. 

 

Is your wisdom of sound judgment?

 

 

How are the consequences stacking up against the decisions you make in your life? What can you follow to ensure sound wisdom?

 

Ecclesiastes 12:13-14

¹³ Now all has been heard;  here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God [worship Him with awe-filled reverence, Knowing that He is almighty God] and keep his commandments, for this is the duty of all mankind.

¹⁴ For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil.

 

It's that simple.

The Speed of Grace

 

As I turn the calendar to the year 2021, it occurs to me that I am approaching the 10^th year I began my battle with cancer.  I remember thinking, “I want to walk thru this situation with as much grace as I’ve seen other woman do.”  

It was important to keep HOPE alive and to give GLORY to God with each step of my journey.

2 Corinthians 12:9

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

  

Perhaps I sugar-coated it too much and left out some raw emotions.  It’s hard to find balance when sharing personal life stories on the net.  And then the year 2020 came and played a major part in all of our lives.  I wanted to stand on the mountain top and declare all the injustices that were happening in my life. Loss of parents, loss of a job, loss of friendships, the (near) loss of my marriage and loss of memory.  

Confusing and unreal stressful situations became my every day battle ground.  It was during this time that I held fast to what I knew to be true . . . I had to readjust my attitude and protect my heart from bitterness to take root. 

I again asked God to give me the grace 

[to forgive and ask for forgiveness] to walk thru the valley. 

 

I watched as God’s hands worked as the Master potter against the hardness of this old clay pot. The fire continues to refine and polish my soul as I mature in faith.   I have learned that feelings [emotions] are not truth.  Emotions are fickle and they change without any notice at all.  

Mature and learn the fruit of self-control by learning the Word of God.

Remember - Celebrate your progress and thank God for it!

 

Ephesians 4
Unity and Maturity in the Body of Christ
⁴ As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. ² Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. ³ Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. ⁴ There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; ⁵ one Lord, one faith, one baptism; ⁶ one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. READ MORE....

¹⁴ Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. ¹⁵ Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. ¹⁶ From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

 

The speed of God’s grace, 

in His patience with each one of us, 

begs attention in everything He does for us. 

 

How much time do we really have on this earth?  How long will it take for you to come to the Saving Grace that is in Our Lord Jesus Christ?

 

2 Peter 3:9

⁹ The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead, He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

 

Blessings to you my friend ~

Anniversary #5 - Who's Counting?

I guess I'm counting, or at least trying.  I'm a little unclear on how you come up with "The 5 Year Anniversary".  That's the so-called time frame when the stats are a little more favorable. 


        December 9, 2011 - Diagnosed

             December 14, 2012 - Last chemo treatment

                    December 20, 2012 - Port removed

Do I feel out of the woods?  

Nope, just on the edge of the clearing

On a sad note, we lost our father October 19, 2017 from colon and pancreatic cancer.  It took him quickly, although we "know" he probably had it long before he was diagnosed.    

My sister and I took him to our oncologist.  As we left, I noticed the photo that I gave Doc Esther a few years ago hanging in one of the rooms. [I really thought it was hidden in a back closet]

The lilies are from dad's front yard. 

It's been surreal the past few months. 

I just keep plugging away. One day at a time and try to just live in the moment.  The years just seem to pass by so fast!  Do you ever just want to do a "do-over" ?!  ugh....

I'm not sure what I'll do with this blog.  I started it to just help me wrap my head around the diagnosis and to share with friends/family in a place other than facebook.  Then it quickly became a place for me to remember dates during my year of treatment.  I also wanted to help anyone who found my post or mention of resources.  (although I'm sure there are mountains of better information).  In the end, I find that writing helps me deal tremendously with life . .  since I was 9 years old and kept a diary.

Perhaps this is my last post.  At least for now.  Perhaps I'll keep this blog floating in the clouds for awhile.  Be well, Be safe, Be happy

Blessings to you, my friend ~

Not Again

No, really, it's not happening again.  Thank God!  But, boy, did I have a scare.

I found a new lump and finally called my oncologist and made an appointment.  They got me in same day.  This process (like last time) always happens incredibly fast.  So, I left work early on Thursday and made my way thru the familiar building.  I didn't tell family because I didn't want anyone to needlessly worry.

It was the nurse who did the initial exam and then said that she wanted Doc to see for herself.

Oh, Boy....

I laid there waiting.  Please, Lord, I don't want to go thru this again.

Doc came in and was amazed that I even found the lump.  She said it was "small".  I told her there was pain associated to it too.  I asked her "what do you think?"  Doc looked me in the eyes and softened her tone.  "You're original cancer was small and you've been taking Tamoxifen.  Very unlikely this is cancer.  I think it's scar tissue from the breast reduction.  But, let's go ahead and make sure."

So, I was scheduled for a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound the next day.

Man, what a flashback that was sitting in the waiting room wearing my "ball gown".  The technician only smashed my left side (thankfully not a full mammogram).

Then the ultrasound.  I watched the screen as this technician meticulously measured the dark matter. Surprisingly, the tech said that she was giving the information to the radiologist who would give me the results before leaving the room.  Good, it's Friday and I didn't want to wait over the weekend for an answer.

So, after she was done, she left the room and again, I laid there remembering that first time (in the same room).  This time, I hung onto the words my oncologist had said the day before.  I wasn't going down that dark path in my mind.

NO! Not again!

And, sure enough, the radiologist confirmed that it was scar tissue that had balled itself up to make it feel like a pea-shaped hard lump.  He said that I would be doing this again in 6 months to monitor the area.

I don't think I can tell you how relieved I am.  You see, this had been detected for a couple months before I finally got the nerve up to make the appointment.

OK, OK, next time I won't wait as long.  And, yes, I'll tell my family beforehand instead of trying to "protect them".

PRAISE GOD! It's NOT back again!! PLEASE STAY THAT WAY!

# 3 - Anniversary

It's hard to believe! 


December 9, 2011 was the day I received my diagnosis.


December 14, 2012 was my last Herceptin drip and


December 20, 2012 my port was removed.

How can time

feel like yesterday

and also

feel like a life time ago

at the same time?

I've "Graduated"

On February 11, I had my 3 month visit with my oncologist, Doc Esther.  She was running late and just as she was starting to take my information, a phone call from ICU pulled her back out.  That is definitely more important than my check-up.  So, I tried to occupy myself while waiting.

During the exam, our small talk turned into who we were named after, other names of her siblings and "older" names that aren't used very much.  How many children do you know with the name "Carol"?  Esther is a good Biblical name.

Needless to say, I forgot to tell her the areas that were painful.  I know, I know .... first time I didn't write a list for her. Who am I to try to remember the things I wanted to relay to her?  If it is any consolation, I did remember to show her 2 moles and she said they were nothing to worry about.

Right before she hurried off to the next patient, she said "You've now graduated from 3 month visits to every 6 months".

Progress.

Annual Mammogram

On January 13, 2014, I had my "annual" mammogram.  I went back to the place (Reflections) that had originally found my cancer in 2011 ... talk about deja vu! This would make the 2nd mammogram since my diagnosis.  Surgery sites on both breasts and you might ask ... did it hurt?

Yes! Bloody hell it did!

The technician was great though and the intensity only lasted for a bit.  After I left, my mind settled down and I placed all thoughts in a corner shelf in my mind.

On January 21, I received my results via US mail. I must admit that my hands were shaking a tad as I opened the envelope!

When I was diagnosed, I received a phone call a few short days after my mammogram. So this time, when a week passed, I was thinking positive thoughts. Piece of cake ~

Thank you, God, for watching over me!

Arimidex vs Tamoxifen

I have been taking Arimidex since August 2012. As the months go by, my pains are more extreme. My husband is the only one I really "show" just how bad.  After all, I'm in remission. I should be "all better now". That is what most folks think. They don't understand that poison streamed through my body killing cancer cells AND my good cells.  It takes time to repair, it takes time to get your strength back.

I don't mean to sound so whiny

I am very grateful that I have made it this far through "my journey".  I do try to have a smile on my face, stay out of "my bubble" and focus on others (thank God for the type of job I have),  and I get up every day to go to work.  I have to.  The mornings are the hardest .... that is when the pain is the worst.

So, Sept 12 I had a visit with my favorite oncologist to discuss my meds.

Quality of Life VS Recurrence 

Taking the estrogen blocker will give me a 40% chance of keeping cancer away .... at least this type of cancer.  I'm HER2 protein positive and estrogen receptor positive.  Just a little aggressive and mean-spirited.

Doc changed my meds to Tamoxifen, stating that I should start to feel  better in about a month and the bone pain will not be a side effect.  She said that the worry would be blood clots, uterus cancer (don't have one of those, so I should be good on that count).   I came home and looked it up on WebMD to read the reviews from other patients.  Looks like the same kind of complaints as Arimidex patients.

They don't call it "practicing medicine" for nothing!

I've given my life to God and I will give Him this too.  My church family gave me a prayer cloth anointed with oil and their prayers.  It is precious to me.

I'll be sure to keep you posted .... still living in the moment, each day at a time.

What Rock do you stand on?

Originally posted Saturday September 14, 2013

2014 - The Year of Adventure

It has been a while since writing on the blog.  I just moved some posts from In This Together BCS to my original blog .... so you will see about 7 of them that actually belong in the year 2013.  I'm not sure if I'll continue writing (not sure if anyone is reading), but I wanted to combine my posts because I can turn my blog into a book.  I thought this would be a nice keepsake.

I have to look at my timeline to really remember the "whens" and "whats" of the past 2-1/2 years.

December 2011 - Diagnosed

2012 - Treatment

2013 - Recovery

and now we come to 2014 .... I have decided to call it the year of adventure!  I want to DO something! I want to explore! I want to take my camera and capture unique and beautiful things through my lens! I want to check off things from my bucket list!  Even though my pain has returned (same as when I was on Arimidex), I want to do these things.

What do YOU want to do?

Oh, hey, check out my beautiful sister, Christie ~ A picture of health!

Tamoxifen - Day 50

It's a miracle! The effects of my last estrogen blocker, Arimidex, is practically out of my body. And, boy, do I feel so much better!

I don't think I will get to 100%, but 50 days into the change of meds, I sure am feeling like me again.
Celebrated with a new cut, color and style!

Originally Posted Thursday October 31, 2013

Planning Our First Event

Christie is a creative woman who has many, many wonderful ideas.  When she feels a project coming on, the wheels start spinning, ideas start flying and thoughts are written down on anything handy.

See that  book of notes?  If you remember, you are lucky....(joke).....what I was going to say: If you remember, there is such a thing as chemo brain.  It is hard to hold onto a thought.  We just have to write down everything! One page has a sentence written on it, but it is upside down on the page.  It was funny to watch her when she noticed it, "huh, wonder how that happened."

See that phone in hand?  It has the latest technology, apps, internet connection and all.  Constantly ready to keep the ideas rolling ... at all 24 hours of the day.

The current project is our very first event ~ A celebration of our win against breast cancer.  I can guarantee that with Christie's ability as a public speaker and teacher, this will be informative with a flair of wit, laughter and thought-provoking revelations.

So, where do I come in?

Well, I'm the "sounding-board", the ying to her yang, and the organizer of these ideas.   Not the planner, (not going to happen), the organizer.  My hundred years of office work will come in handy as we begin to lift off the non-profit inthistogether.org

Oh, how I love Microsoft OneNote!!! (check it out if you haven't seen it).  That is my job this weekend. Creating our notebook, sync it on sis's computer and teach her how to navigate.

She is going to LOVE it! 

After this event, we will welcome feedback, collect more ideas, tweak it here and there and then .... take it on the road.

In between all of that, we are looking for our Board of Directors.

The divine appointments over the past few weeks have multiplied.  We are both meeting women who want to get involved by using their God-given talents.  As they tell us their stories of their own journey or of a loved one, an instant connection is made.  And, of course, a hug is freely given ~

Originally Posted Saturday September 28, 2013

Tamoxifen - 1 Week

One o'clock in the morning - after waking up ump-teen times, I decided to stay up for a bit.  Took 2 more pain pills and logged on.  I've had some inquiries about the effects of the Tamoxifen.  Can't say it is any better than Arimidex ... yet, it's only been a week.

The pain is intense and I just wish I could describe it in a way to make myself understood.  I'm trying not to let this show at work and when I come home in the evening, I collapse.

My bones feel like they have been smashed by a sledge-hammer.  The shredded pieces like glass in my hands, arms, knees, legs, feet, ankles.  Today, my left elbow feels like I hit it against something hard.  I'm still bruising very easily. I'm hunched over like I'm 110 years old.  It is worse in the morning, and now seems to carry throughout the day.  I'm starting to have menstrual pains (I don't have a uterus and no cycles for 11 years).  What's that about?  My surgery sites (original surgery, plus nodes under my right arm, and reconstruction on my left side) all produce stabbing pain.  Sometimes the pain hits unexpectedly that I "yelp" out loud.  That can be embarrassing in public.

I tenderly hold my hands, softly rubbing to help ease the stiffness.  My neck and back ache so much.

So, this is the medicine to keep cancer away.  It sucks.

I've completed year 1 of 5 ~ can I endure 4 more?

I'm falling apart

Originally posted Saturday September 21, 2013

Thrive!

Tonight was a long time coming .... A celebration dinner with my good friend "M" and my sister, Christie.  M & I had planned to get together after our treatments were done to celebrate coming through to the other side (M was diagnosed 2 days before I was).  When Christie was diagnosed, we then decided to wait until the three of us could come together and make a toast to success!

Tonight was it! Panara's.... yummmmm

I was thrilled to introduce the 2 of them and tickled pink when we giggled like school girls as we shared our more humorous stories.  And the conversation doesn't always have to be about cancer.  We shared about our families, our learnings from our experiences and how it changed our outlook in life (ok, alot of it was "because of cancer") and just enjoyed each other's company.

Chemo brain was a huge part of our laughter as one of us would start a thought and then forget what we were going to say... and then the other 2 would have to try to remember key words of what was being said in order for the memory to jolt back into the moment.  If you don't get it, don't worry about it!  It truly is a memory loss that only a chemo cocktail can promote!

I thought it very interesting when M said she didn't think of herself as a survivor, but as a thriver.

No matter what your circumstance

Everyone should strive to thrive!

Originally posted Monday August 19, 2013