Follow Up after Chemo #4

Early Spring Flowers poppin thru

This morning was my follow-up with Dr Esther.  It was a tad frustrating as it took an hour to get from the front waiting room to the back.  It took 2-1/2 hours for everything and to get back to work.

Regardless, my blood pressure was 126/78 .... I lost 6 lbs.  I know I'm not suppose to loose weight now, but I can tell you that I'm not complaining about getting some of this chunk-a-dunka-ness off me.  They seemed satisfied with my blood count, took notice of my nose bleeds, did a breast exam and sent me off with some encouragement and hugs.

Q: When will my radiation begin?
A: Three weeks after my last treatment (estimate May 17)

Q: When will my Herceptin (only) begin?
A: I will have 11 more sessions after this chemo round, which will total 17. It will continue on the same schedule as now, every 3 weeks.  Basically, no break in treatment. (estimate Dec 13)

Q: Do I have to have another blood transfusion?
A: Not this time, count looks good. :)

Q: Do I have to continue the Neulasta shot?
A: Yep :(

Q: How is my prognosis?
A: "I plan to fire you in 5 years" says Doc with a hug. "I'm going to make sure you will be just fine."


Got to work about 11:00.  Made it through 5:45! Debbie gave me another set of "ear-bobs" as Grandma Pearl called them....pretty dangly earrings shaped as a flower.  Along with her fabulous Congratulations! Another round behind you! She has been so sweet giving me a gift after each chemo session.  I'm looking forward to the last set, as she let it slip what they are!!!!

This is going to be a good week.  Feeling stronger. Got some "plans of attack" in life.  Looking forward to Easter Sunday service.

Blessings to you ~

Bonvoyage

Today, we said farewell to another young adult of the family who is moving to Florida ~ nephew, Shane.

I just want him to be happy, enjoy and experience life.  But, I'm telling ya, its these times of losses that will kill me before the cancer does.

We had a nice BBQ at sister's house .... I will miss him greatly.

Garden Angel... Guardian Angel

Carol,

Look!  A garden angel was outside your house. Lucky you. What surprise is waiting for you in the weeks and months to come as summer grows closer?

My sister and her husband (who took the picture and wrote the message), came to my house Saturday and planted some flowers! I have angels all around me!

When she was done, she came in to comfort me.  I had been crying all day (remember that depression I said I was over? well....) Oh my gosh, if I could just pull things together!!  If I could just stop crying!!  It's all stemming from a set of losses in my life.

I'm also realizing that my chemo drug is suppressing my hormones, shot me into menopause, and my emotions are absolutely everywhere.  What a mess.... and did I mention the night sweats? How can I relieve them when I'm not suppose to have estrogen therapy?  My husband is convinced the cancer came when I started taking Premarin. (which I wrote about earlier)

I'm venting again.  Remember, blogging is a way to "get it off your chest". A way to seek help from others.  Which, I'm thinking it might be time for me to find a local support group.

Friday - 1st day back to work

I finally made it to work today and managed 6 hours.  I was still so sick and weak and asked Adam to take me home.  Feeling incredibly disconnected from everything.  I'm sure this feeling will pass at some point.

I'm waiting to Skype with my oldest in Colorado.  Missing her to pieces....

View from her apartment

Resting on Saturday.
Going away party for my nephew on Sunday.
Then starting all over again on Monday.  First stop, oncologist follow up.  Hope my numbers are good.  Telling her I don't want another blood transfusion.  Want to tell her I don't want any more chemo, but I know that isn't going to fly.

Praying for my friend, Marily ... may the birds sing sweetly as you rest.

Be Gentle to Yourself, Mind and Body

A friend of mine wrote: Be gentle to yourself, mind and body.  Don’t allow the darkness to come.  Like Paul & Silas did, they started to sing praises to the Lord, when they were bound by chains, after being severely beat up and standing in sewage for days on end.  Sing to the Lord in your mind and out loud as much as possible.  Put your music on and sing with it!   It will lift your spirit, and help your body.

So, as I write this, I hooked into my favorite radio station and it does lift my spirit, body and soul.

With the help of my cane, I'm getting from room to room. Spent a lot of time on the front porch watching the birds come to life in the early spring.  My lilac bush started to sprout its green leaves and we are awaiting the sweet smell the breeze carries to us.  It is great coverage from the street as well ... like our own club house. 

Last year's bloom

The pain is easing from my bones and joints.  I still wonder why it is hitting me so hard. Doc said that chemo attacks weak places and I have a few of those.  Before B.C., I was going to have surgery on my feet for bunions.  That is now on hold.  I also have Raynaud's, which I wonder if the chemo side effects are compounded.  Well, regardless, I only have 2 more sessions .... just 2 more.  For these next 2, April 5 & April 26, please pray specifically that I can mentally and physically get through the "bad" days. 

I'm taking one more day off work, mainly because I know I can't drive.  Matt goes to school on Tuesdays & Thursdays, so I'm holding out for him to take me Friday.  At least for a few hours.  I'm eating away my FMLA and I'm not sure what the rest of the year has in store for me.

Matt has been a real trooper through this.  He is going through the grieving process of loosing his dad and taking care of me.  I wish he had someone come along side him and hold him up.  We usually do that for each other and unfortunately, it has been a little one-sided.  I'm reflecting on my earlier post. He has taken care of me in ways that most people could not.  Private and humbling.  I'm grateful for him.

I'm grateful for my sister & her husband for taking the duty of making sure I'm eating.  When this is all over, I want a BBQ with mom's potato salad!!

Can you tell the fog is lifting? 
Do you know how much you help me?

Beads of Courage

These children are braver than I ~

Another New Day

Well, amazing what one writes at 1:00 in the morning.  I've had some very touching messages in my in-box and I want to thank each of you for them.  I also want to be sure that you don't think that I would ever take my own life.  When I wrote so early in the morning, I guess I was baring my soul.  I am a fighter and generally a tough cookie.  It's true though that God called my bluff.  I was always asking to go home and He said, do you really want to?  Okay, deal with cancer.  Now, tell me if you want to fight for your life... See your children marry... See your grandbabies be born. This is some important stuff to me and YES I want that. 

To me, that is how God pulled me out of my depression.  So you see, I never ask "why me?"  I can't put into words how precious all those things are to me and the fact that I don't want to miss one moment of it.

A friend of mine shared this video .... it is so incredibly beautiful.  The way that I want to experience life, adore life, and see life.

Thank you Teri

Getting thru the Dark Days

It's just after 1:00am.  I'm sitting on the twin bed we set up in the spare room ... the one that I'm trying to find a fun, cool name for (Ladies Lounge still #1).   My big guy, Lucky, is purring next to me and Dee-Dee is lying on the floor peaceful.  I feel like I am coming out of my funk.  When I say "bad days", it really means "dark days".  Days when I can barely hold on to my sanity, my reason for existence.  Most folks in my life don't hear me speak like this.  Poor Matt has been subjected to the overflow of my tears and wailing of self pity.  It hasn't been easy for him I'm sure.

Chemo isn't easy.  I have no idea how radiation is going to be either.  In one of my tangents, I cried that if I get cancer again, I'm not doing this again.  Yes, I'm serious. I don't think I can do this again.

I finally shared some of this darkness with my sister today.  I find that telling it like it is  is honest.  I can't be the positive, happy-go-lucky spirit all the time.  That isn't honest.  This is some real hard crap to go through. 

I've not asked the question "why me?" Because I already know why.  2011 was a very difficult year for me and I hit a depression that I couldn't climb out of.  Many times I asked God to take me home.  And then I got the diagnosis that I have cancer.  Well, talk about calling your bluff.  He did. Was I really ready to give up on life?  The answer is NO.  Even when I go through my dark days, I know that as each day passes, the light at the end of the tunnel is brighter.  God has been revealing personal deep messages to me, along with blessings to show me why I'm on this earth and what He wants me to do.

My roller coaster ride definitely has its ups and downs, twists and turns. 

But that is life no matter what situations we are facing. 

I hang on tight to God's promises and I'm so thankful to be His child. As I live in the moment, I can hope for a bright future. I'm also thankful for the love and support from so many people in my life.  Words of encouragement that we give to one another can make all the difference in the world.

The Friday After #4

Matt took me to work Friday, just in case I got sick or something and couldn't drive back home.  I really thought that the blood transfusion was going to help me feel better.  I had a headache all day and felt queasy.  I barely made it. 

He picked me up at 3:15 to head over to the clinic for my shot.  We were in and out fairly quickly and I just wanted to go home, put my pj's on and lay down.  Which I did.  I got up around 7:00 and lounged on the couch with hubby until midnight. 

The ton of pills I have to take! Yuck.

I'm kinda thinking that Friday's will now be added to the list of days off after chemo.  As much as I want to be at work and keep caught up and not exhaust my leave days, it so isn't worth it.

Chemo Session #4

Four down - two to go!

Matt is on spring break this week and was able to take me to my chemo session.

I was happy to be able to get the corner suite again! Nice and roomy.

Once we got settled in, I realized that I forgot the numbing cream! I will never do that again! My nurse, Chris, handled it like a pro and helped me through the initial injection. *shew* Nurse Chris is compassionate as well and I am a lucky girl :) Oh! guess what! Nurse Dawn is my sister's neighbor and our kids went to school together....small world ~

I completed my evaluation sheet (gauging pain levels, nausea, fatigue, etc). I felt like a wimp giving most of them a 9.  Matt reminded me of all the times I was crying during the past two weeks .... and not just because of Rickie.  So, 9 it stays.  Nicole (pharmacist) discusses the evaluation sheet and reviews the medications with us.  Since I will have my shot tomorrow, I need to start the claritin again.  Need to work on cleaning my bowels through fluid, fiber and prescription meds.  Not only does it help the digestive system, it helps clear out the chemo drugs.  Ok, I'll do better in that area. Also, since I can't take my pain meds during work, I can take extra strength Tylenol.  It gets difficult with the different meds I am on, especially Coumadin.

I showed my big toe off to everyone ... side effect or something else?  Doc determined that it was something else.  It had "trauma" and I just don't remember how.  Instructions ... keep it clean and wait for it to heal.  It may or may not fall off.  We shall see.

My numbers came back low, but good enough to proceed with the treatment.  Since the neuropathy and pain is hitting me hard, she is "taking 25% off the Taxotere".  Great! I do hope it helps. This one is a 3 hour drip with the ice on my hands and feet.

Doc had a high school student shadow her for the day.  That is very impressive to have one so young interested in doing this. 

As they prepared for my cocktails, the fabulous benedryl was injected and out I went.  I can never keep my eyes open! I only brought one thing to do (read) and never got to it.

By noonish, Christie arrived and the changing of the guards occurred.  She brought me some lunch and I am very thankful for the "extra" duty in getting it (silly girl).  I stayed awake the best I could so we could chat about all the things going on in life. 

Life does go on.
And the world keeps turning.

Then, one more announcement ... I was going to get my first blood transfusion after the cocktails were done.  This should help my energy level and feel like a new woman. (Adam is electing Wonder Woman complete with tights and a lasso) *geeze* ;-) 

My own blood was tested and determined to be A positive.  The unit I received was O positive.  I thank the person who gave their life source to me.

The clear tubes running from the bag into my arm looked like liquorice. Seriously.  The color was very rich and that's what it reminded me of.

I was the last patient to leave.  Everyone was very kind and thorough.  The last thing I want is to be a big wimp about this.  Indicating a 9 made me second guess myself.  But, I felt true to that number.

There is a basket of donated hats and I picked this one.  People are so nice :)

Ended the evening with nephew, Shane, visiting.  Wonderful!

Well, I better get some shut eye for work tomorrow.  May you have a safe St Patty's day out there.  Take care ~

I Just Came to talk with you Lord

Sheri had breast cancer and WHAT a TESTIMONY! Let it buffer up and just enjoy it 'cause you can tell it is from the heart.

Thank you Leon!

Man Cave? Woman Cave? Bat Cave?

Today was my first day back to work since my last chemo Feb 23.  Matt drove since we weren't sure how tired I would be after my shift. I'm so glad, 'cause I was tired.  I can't believe my next session is already this Thursday.  I plan to shove the negative vibes off and go in there and fight like a girl. I'm even gonna try not to miss any work post chemo .... grandiose thoughts ...

Got lots of hugs today welcoming me back and for the loss of Rickie.  He made some friends while he was there.  I'm so behind on thank you cards....hoping people are patient and forgiving. 

My brother-in-law moved out of our spare room this weekend.  We decided to rearrange stuff and now we have our "his" and "her's" cave.  Instead of a "man cave", I'm trying to think of a good name for my room. 

Any ideas?

So far: Fem Den, my Rad Pad .... since my brain isn't as witty as it use to be, I'm looking for that special name.

By the way, got a new side effect that looks like it could be from Taxotere. My big toe nail is black & blue and looks like the nail could fall off (see page 2). I don't remember bumping or smashing it.  So, I'll be showing Doc when I see her Thursday.  Actually, I have various bruises all over.  Probably thanks to the coumadin.

I finally picked up the book borrowed from Barb and began reading it.  At times, I felt so overwhelmed with information that I just began making piles.  Now, I feel I want to be empowered and thought reading this book might just help.  I've already experienced some of the items she has mentioned.

• You will look at life in a whole new way, as something you are lucky to be experiencing.
• You will appreciate every day, just because it is there and has been given to you to enjoy.
• You won't take your health for granted, and will take better care of your mind and your body, making yourself a priority (rather than your family, friends, job, or other distractions).
• You will be calmer ... the little things won't seem to bother you as much.
• You won't worry about tomorrow as much, but live for today.
• You will draw nearer to the people who bring meaning and fulfillment to your life, and get rid of those who don't (crises have an amazing way of revealing someone's true character).
• You will gain extreme clarity ... about exactly who you are and what you want from your life.

from the "Introduction" section

Celebrating Rickie's Life

The calling hours for Rickie were held on March 7.  The photos gave folks an idea of the importance of family, fun and laughter that we all cherished.  His 2 sons and niece wrote about him and we had copies available.  Many stories were shared as well.  Folks from his youth were there, as well as those who just met him on the job. 

Some say that funerals are for the living.  I can see why.

It has been a few days since getting on the computer.  Now that final arrangements are done, grief has begun.  I'm doing my best as my husband takes the steps in the grieving process.  Wish I was physically stronger to care for him.

The flowers are still on the kitchen table.  It is my plan to press and preserve some of the flowers along with the ribbons with the words "father", "grandfather", etc.  I need to pull all the photos off the poster board. Planning to give them to family.

Next on the agenda is taking care of all his financial and personal items.  Probate, etc.

I truly believe that people need to get their affairs in order.  Not just wills, but power of attorney, and every other document that will help families.

The Bridge & The Bear

My brother in law sent this to me .... very fitting as I do nap a lot ~