From Red to Brown

I spent the day with mom.  We went to Applebee's and then to Wallyworld (aka Wal-mart).  Bought a new iron and some of this and that.  Got the movie A Dolphin's Tale that mom wants us to see.  She said the little boy reminds her of Cathy when she was young (tom-boy) with freckles.

Also bought a soft pair of pjs, which I am now wearing with an ultra soft camisole from the breast center. 

The treatment area from the radiation is changing from sunburn red to brown.  Very dry, itchy, tight, painful, raw.  The pain pills aren't even taking the edge off.

I've had some wonderful private messages from friends. You have uplifted me and I am sincerely touched. 

I know it's early, but off to sleep I go!  Peace be with You!

3 more treatments left!!

A New Friend

As I was getting my ball gown on for my glow session, I met a lady who just had her simulation.  We chatted like ol' friends to the point the tech sat down in the waiting room and waited. I gave her my link to my blog and she gave me a book "Healing from Heaven". 

Thank you, Lisa, may your journey be blessed

I'm feeling pretty raw, itchy, red and tired.  Picture a crack on the corner of your mouth and every time you open your mouth, it pulls the wound. Ouch. That is what it feels like.

I am still walking with God and with every fiber of my being.  The brokenness in this world tries to trip me, to see if I will fall.  My feet are planted firmly in the foundation of God.  Others do not see or understand my intentions, but God does.  He knows my heart and I am grateful for that. 

4 more left!





The Boost

Yesterday, treatment was not-so-great. They had to take photos and set up a simulation for the "boost" ... then do the last of the "standard" treatment.  I had some tears leak from my eyes as I tried to deal with the pain of the position.  The placement for my forehead and chin still really hurts. The bottom edge of the rounded out hole presses against my lower rib.  (imagine all four fingers under your rib and pulling up).  The tech told me to take pain meds before coming, which I replied "I drive myself here and home. I can't take my pain meds."  She then said to take Tylenol, Advil or some type of OTC.

The day was full of all kinds of drama.  As a result, my youngest daughter has yet again walked out of our lives.  As much as she said she has changed, her true colors showed loud and clear who she really is.  It breaks a mother's heart.  I would rather be punched in the gut, shot in the heart or stabbed in the back than to witness her holy bible dumped in the trash can.  A very numbing day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today's treatment was just as long as yesterday's.  This time, I took a pain med right before I left work.  By the time I was clamped in, it helped somewhat.  The tech recommended that I take one for the next few treatments.  Today was more photos, films, whatever they were doing

PLUS my first BOOST

6 left!!!

After treatment, the doctor examined me.  I showed her the worst part, which is torn, raw skin in my cleavage. She gave me samples of the Aquaphor and actually apologized for what was happening to me from the treatments.  That was nice of her to say because it isn't her fault at all.  I'm doing well considering I didn't get major red until now and I only have a handful left.

For other news, I went to see my family doctor this morning regarding the MRI ordered because of the frequent headaches.  He wants a neurologist to take a look at the films and assess to rule out things .... oh, when they say that, do I really want to know what "things"?  Guess there are some questions regarding my white matter and my gray matter.  The radiologist that ordered the test mentioned these "matters" to me, but I really wasn't following what he was talking about.

Then Doc W threw me a curve ball. MS.  Really? What is multiple-sclerosis?

The other possibility is migraine headaches.  That's believable, considering I use to get them all the time.

Then, of course, it could be stress headaches.  I mean, the past 8 months have been quite a lot to take in. (but I thought I have been handling it pretty well, considering)

I can't really put into words what I'm feeling right now because I'm still processing it all.  It would be great to get answers to troubling aches and pains .... but then sometimes I feel "do I really want to know?"

Doc W said it is good to find things early. 

That is true.

Neurologist is July 26



Radiation - Week 5

End of Week 5 = 24 days (minus July 4)

Did you know that any day missed is tacked on to the end of treatment?  It was great getting a day off treatment in the middle of the week, but instead of ending July 18, it is now July 19.  That's okay, it could be worse.

The two nurses were checking out the rash-like appearance a little below my neckline, down my cleavage and on my treated breast.  It feels like a sunburn, looks like sun poisoning.  They were analyzing if it was a reaction from the XClair ointment. 

"Are you allergic to nuts or nut oil?" the nurse asked.

"Not that I'm aware of .... nothing happens when I eat them." I answered. "A friend of mine mentioned Olive Oil as a soothing agent.  What do you think about that?"

"Well, Olive Oil is pure, we will have to ask the doctor."

One of the nurses suggested that I stop using the ointment to see if the symptoms disappear (process of elimination).

Note to self: Remember to ask the doctor when she comes in

I was given a coupon of Aquaphor and then I waited for the doc.

My doc is out of town for the next 2 weeks, so I saw the lady doc who said "yeah, I remember you" as she came in the room. 

I opened my ball gown and asked, "Is this a reaction to the ointment or to the treatment?"

"Definitely the treatment," she said. "I've seen it many times."

I'm sure she has.

"Really? All the way up on my chest?"

"Where do your breasts stop?" she asked.

"At my knees?" I gave a little smirk.

 Loved the smile and the Doc's body language relaxed.

"No, no .... where do you think they start?"  I pointed to the top of my breast, "Here?"

"No, actually, here." (Ladies, take your thumb and put it at the top of your cleavage, then span your hand open with your first 2 fingers touching your armpit.) "That is the whole area we are treating with radiation," she informed me.  That's pretty high up on the chest wall.  Interesting.

I asked her about the Aquaphor ... she shook her head "No."  I asked her about the Olive Oil, she said that I could try it if I wanted to, but make sure that it is completely off before treatment.  Coming from work, I don't think it would work out very well.  I will try it over the weekend perhaps.

Another tip, no bra or 'restraining' my sistas.  Okay, but not at work! Jeez!

Again, I just finished week 5!!!!!!!!!

The tech told me during today's treatment that on Tuesday, I will have my last "standard" glow and then will go thru simulation to prepare for the "boost" (7 of those).  Tuesday, prepare to be here for a little longer.

As I left radiation to claim my keys from valet, Millie came out of ER to give me a hug.  What a very nice surprise to see a friend that I haven't seen for quite some time.  I went into ER with her to see who she brought .... Nancy.  We caught up with each other and gave plenty of hugs.  It sure was wonderful to see them both again.  Any day, ladies, we can get together for a glass of lemonade or a steaming cup of coffee!!!

Nancy, get well soon and YES, we will get together

Prayers to Lois for her surgery Monday and for Sandy's surgery as well ~

Prayers to Tina for the beginning of her father's journey ~

Prayers to Jane for keeping strong during her journey ~

Prayers to Marily as she awaits her next steps with radiation ~

Prayers to a fellow patient who's radiation treatment ends Tuesday ~

Chipmunk on the bank of the river in Colorado

Radiation & Chemo

Friday June 29

8:00 am - My recliner chair awaits. Today, I had Nurse Karen.  I mentioned that I didn't remember seeing her before and she said she remembered me and that she has been doing this for 24 years.  (wow, memory really is shot).  She took my vitals (BP 143/92).  Once the Herceptin drip was set up, I leaned back with my blanket that Jane made and another one that was heated .... ahhhhhh. Karen gave me a glass of orange juice and pillows. 

I'm spoiled

I hit twilight for the hour.  It was nice to just relax.  I feel as if I'm on the go all the time. Work, treatments, this-n-that.

Made it to work around 9:30.  Two of my co-worker's birthdays and a pot luck today.  Friday!!

4:00 pm - Left for radiation treatment.  I had a few messages on my phone. First one said to not report to radation today unless I hear back from them.  Second one, come on in.  Once I got there, the tech showed me the piece on the equipment that had broke.  So that was the problem..... hmmm, glad it was fixed. 

Round 20 = 4 weeks

Some how, the days seem to be flying by.  In other ways, it seems like I have been doing this for way too long.  Time is a funny thing.

My eyebrows are just about totally back.  They were the last hairs that I lost and the first hairs to grow back.  My head is full of soft fuzz.  My finger nails are growing, but 3 of them broke clear down (ouch).  Still not totally healthy looking, but they are getting there. 

I'm so grateful for the care that I'm receiving.  There are so many that are involved in my treatment and in saving my life.  None of this can be taken for granted.  Even though Herceptin still has unanswered questions, I'm glad that it is available.

Saturday June 30

Christie, mom & I went to Bob Evans for breakfast.  It was tough trying to get my butt out of bed, but I'm thankful to get to visit with them and have a wonderful meal.  Afterwards, I took a nap .... 3 hours!  Oh boy, hope I sleep tonight :)

Peace be with you ~

In the clouds - Blue Ridge Mountains



The Brain

I usually see Dr R on Wednesday's, so I was surprised when the tech said to wait for the nurse to take me back to see the doc.  It is good to touch base, especially since I'm pioneering the prone position and can give him feedback from a patient's point of view.  Today, we talked about the MRI and the headaches.

He did state that there was no cancer in the brain and, naturally, we are relieved.  I asked him if I've ever had TIAs .... none showed .... no strokes either.  My memory has been shot, my concentration just about nil, and trying to remember how to spell words can be frustrating.  Doc said that my grey matter looked like an older person's.  Wha???? He said that the veins were thick, like a smoker or someone with high cholesterol.  Well, I quit smoking about 11 years ago and I don't have high cholesterol.  Then he mentioned a condition that had three words, and I'm sorry that I didn't write them down.  First word was "cardiovascular". 

I will definately find out before too long

Doc thinks my headaches could be migrane related.  I use to have intense migranes a long time ago.  (a few head injuries in childhood)  Or, perhaps it is my blood pressure meds that need adjusted.

He said that he is sending the report to my primary care doctor and will let him decide the next step.... maybe a neurologist.

Well, I'm not sweating it.  Remaining calm.

No cancer on the brain is the silver lining

Doc also mentioned that not too long ago, people with my type of cancer didn't have much chance.  But now with the "smart chemo" = Herceptin, we have a much better chance than ever.  That perked me up, yet gave me pause ....

Funny when those reality checks come in 

Tomorrow morning, chemo.  Thank you brillant people who developed Herceptin and Thank you to patients who endured trials upon trials.

Springfield Lake

MRI Results

I arrived for my daily "glow" appointment and a nurse met me as the tech was taking me to the treatment room.  She said that Dr R was not in today, so he wanted her to give me a message.  He looked at the MRI results and "did not find any disease in my brain".  They aren't sure what is causing my headaches, but this is a BIG RELIEF.  I didn't realize how much I was stuffing my emotions until she gave me the news.

I gave her a hug and happy tears flowed

The techs were throwing out some possibilities .... perhaps my blood pressure meds need adjusting, or perhaps my glasses need adjusted.  Sound familiar?  Same things that I was thinking about.  My sister gave me her blood pressure device so I can get some daily readings.  Then, I'll make an appointment with my family doctor. 

I asked the techs if radiation could be giving me the headaches and they said only if I was being treated on my head (which I'm not).

I don't want to live in constant fear of the "what if's". 

One day at a time. Right?

Friday morning will be another Herceptin drip.  If I see Doc Esther, I'll touch base with what has been going on.  Not scheduled to see her until August.

Enough about that ....

Praying for those surround by wild fires.  Keeping a close watch on Casey as the danger seems to be everywhere. Also for those affected by the hurricane.  Crazy, mixed up world.

My brain has been completely foggy.  I can't seem to write very well (maybe I never really have!)  Concentration is horrible too. 

Hopefully my blog isn't boring everyone to tears!  Quite honestly, writing this all down is good therapy for me and since I can't remember a lick of anything, it is a great way to keep track of events, symptoms, appointments, etc. 

Know what I mean jelly bean?

Say "Cheese"

Monday ~ picture day.  Keeping visual track of my breast by the routine photo shoot before radiation treatment.  In the middle the shoot, I knew that my arm and neck were in a bad position.  I just had to hang on a little longer and get through the radiation. Oh my gosh, laying prone sucks. 

Still waiting on the MRI results.

Yep, my head hurts.

The Beginning of a New Week

Saturday, the MRI went okay.  The nurse was as gentle as she could be with my veins.  She found one in my right hand (which seems to be the only one folks can find).  With the smallest needle, the vein rolled the first try and then she got it on the second try.  So very glad I was laying down. 

Very glad for the ear plugs as well.  The machine hit pitches like a jack hammer.  At one point, I was counting the patterns 1 2 3 4 5 .... 1 2 3 4 5 6 ..... 1 2 3 4 5 .... etc.  At times, it reminded me of "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" (just needed the noise to be music). 

Now for the waiting .... patiently waiting

Afterwards, I met up with Teri at our "half-way" point.  Panera, shopping, Applebee's, more shopping.  Got home and stayed up the latest in a long time (11:30).

Sunday ~ The Beginning of a New Week

We visited a church this morning.  It is very close to home and we liked the message and the preaching.  It was a different church than last Sunday .... just looking for our "home" church.  This one might be it.  Matt felt very comfortable there.

Christie visited this afternoon and brought over four more scarves that she made from the material I picked out.  They are SO beautiful!  Thank you Christie!

My hairs are growing back!  Little peach fuzz!!! HAHAHAHAHA

Enjoy this perfect day!



Round 15

Friday - Completed #15 = 3 weeks

Radiation treatment seems to be going quickly.  The cream is helping to keep the redness under control (although it is staining my bra).  Tonight we went out to dinner and did some shopping at wally-world (aka Walmart) and I experienced a deep stabbing pain in my treated breast.  Haven't felt that before and I'm not sure if it is "normal".

Life is full of "new norms"

Traffic was really backed up and I made it there 10 minutes before closing.  Crazy construction.

The MRI is scheduled for Saturday at 10am.  They are going to use the contrast ... last time, it was accessed in my hand and it felt like the dye was exploding my veins.  Not looking forward to this.

After everything else, what's one more needle?

Have a blessed weekend.

Remission

Today is Wednesday ~ I see the radiation doctor every Wednesday.

I mentioned that I have been getting headaches daily for a couple of weeks and told him about the incident that happened Saturday.  I thought it could be my blood pressure.  I've been on my B.P. medication for at least 3 years now.  If anything, I can at least contact my family doctor and get checked out, or at least buy a pressure cup for home and monitor it.  He wants to do an MRI instead.

Just to make sure

I haven't considered that before (and I'm not even going to speak it out loud).

My blood pressure (taken from ankle vs arm):

Jun 20    159/95

Jun 8      146/85

May 22   138/74

May 7     128/78

Apr 27    140/69

So I mentioned, what about my vision changing and the need for new glasses? 

He said that could be it as well .... or possibly stress.  Let's do the MRI

Just to make sure

Okay, let's talk about that then. 

Once the radiation is done,

how do you know all the cancer is gone? 

He said that "we don't".  There is no blood test that will confirm it is gone. Just monitoring me on a regular basis and running various "scans" (mammogram, ultrasound, c-scan, mri).  It is all based on statistics and patients before me as oncology is researched year after year. 

My nodes were tested and clear of cancer.  They also got "clear margins" when the lump of cancer was removed.  That is all good news.  He said I was actually in remission after surgery.  Hmmmm, I didn't realize that.

I haven't asked that question before.  Now, the question is foremost in my mind ~

Just to make sure

That word caught my attention .... remission.  He said that patients have told him what it was like after going into remission and how it felt like a dagger was hanging just over their head waiting for it to fall.  And after year one, year two, etc the feeling slowly lessened as remission continued. 

That is something cancer patients are always going to have. Fear of it coming back.  I know a lady who has had it FIVE times.  How do you cope with that?

Constant fear cannot control your life

These headaches? I probably need new glasses or it could be stress .....or it could be side effect from the Herceptin.  I could be part of the very few who might have side effects such as:



Well, I will wait on the MRI .... Just to make sure



By the way

The middle of last week, my eyebrows started growing back.  I had to get real close to the mirror to make sure I was really seeing them.  It seemed to happen when I was sleeping.  At first, I thought it was smudge and wondered how I got that in my sleep. 

Now I can express myself.

Getting some dark peach fuzz on my head as well.  Each day, just a little bit more.  Kinda habit forming to rub my hand over my scalp, lol.

I've been getting some massive headaches over the past two weeks or so.  Friday night, Matt almost took me into ER.  I could hear the blood flowing in my ears and my heart pounding in my head.  My lips were numb.  I think my blood pressure was in overdrive.  That's the first time I felt that.  I laid down with a cold washrag on my head.  Still getting headaches, but not to the intensity of this episode.

The heat of the summer has set in .... loved the rain we had, but it created high humidity. 

Yesterday, they took a series of photos before radiation.  Because of that, I had to lay in the prone position longer and that was hard.  It's like having your forehead pressed against a 2x4 board.  But, I can't complain too loudly.  This is just part of the deal I agreed to in order to save my life for a few more years.  At least that's the plan.

I'm looking forward to my strength coming back so I can dig into some projects. So much to do! 

Be a blessing to someone today ~ It feels so good!

Ignite

The word "ignite" has been mentioned 3 separate times today. 

Once, when my husband was speaking of a church he went to last week that ignited the passion he once had .... the excitement of worship that drew him out of the wall of shyness.  That is saying a lot.

Once again when I got a text from my daughter who is developing a concept for her community and thought of "Ignite the Flame. Follow the passion that burns inside of you...."

The 3rd time was when she called me from her drive to Colorado Springs to tell me she just entered a wall of smoke.  We are hearing about all the wildfires out west and now a new one about 1/2 hour from her home and about 1/2 hour from Colorado Springs.  For this, we pray for all those who may loose their homes, schools and more as the flames draw near.  We pray for those who are fighting the fires and putting their lives in danger.  We pray for God's creatures and His beauty that are in peril.

I don't know the answers as to "why".  All I know is that we can pray and ask for God's protection.  This country needs it so very much.

Ignite.

ignite [ɪgˈnaɪt]
vb
1. to catch fire or set fire to; burn or cause to burn
2. (Chemistry) (tr) Chem to heat strongly
3. (tr) to stimulate or provoke the case has ignited a nationwide debate
[from Latin ignīre to set alight, from ignis fire]


It is amazing how this word can have different meanings.  Right? It just dependents on your circumstances. 

Take this crazy canzer thingy

After you get over the shock of hearing that word, you then have to deal with it.  After you begin the process of learning about it, going through treatments, all kinds of things begin to happen.

Everyone has a different experience, so I am only speaking for myself.

I began looking at my priorities, my bucket list, myself.  Then I began the awareness, roused, stimulated, awake ~~~ ignited.  I didn't want to just walk through life.  I want to DO something that matters! And then,

A deep calm

So very peaceful

Such grace

No fear

Complete joy

Tranquility

Round 10

Two weeks down!!!

Ahhhh, Friday.  End of the week and I'm sleeping in tomorrow! Everything is fine and dandy. 

The tech gave me a picture of me on the table with the mesh on my back and he also gave me the link to a model doing the same thing.

Trust me, you can't move when it's locked down tight

You are looking at the MODEL!