It's just after 1:00am. I'm sitting on the twin bed we set up in the spare room ... the one that I'm trying to find a fun, cool name for (Ladies Lounge still #1). My big guy, Lucky, is purring next to me and Dee-Dee is lying on the floor peaceful. I feel like I am coming out of my funk. When I say "bad days", it really means "dark days". Days when I can barely hold on to my sanity, my reason for existence. Most folks in my life don't hear me speak like this. Poor Matt has been subjected to the overflow of my tears and wailing of self pity. It hasn't been easy for him I'm sure.
Chemo isn't easy. I have no idea how radiation is going to be either. In one of my tangents, I cried that if I get cancer again, I'm not doing this again. Yes, I'm serious. I don't think I can do this again.
I finally shared some of this darkness with my sister today. I find that telling it like it is is honest. I can't be the positive, happy-go-lucky spirit all the time. That isn't honest. This is some real hard crap to go through.
I've not asked the question "why me?" Because I already know why. 2011 was a very difficult year for me and I hit a depression that I couldn't climb out of. Many times I asked God to take me home. And then I got the diagnosis that I have cancer. Well, talk about calling your bluff. He did. Was I really ready to give up on life? The answer is NO. Even when I go through my dark days, I know that as each day passes, the light at the end of the tunnel is brighter. God has been revealing personal deep messages to me, along with blessings to show me why I'm on this earth and what He wants me to do.
My roller coaster ride definitely has its ups and downs, twists and turns.
But that is life no matter what situations we are facing.
I hang on tight to God's promises and I'm so thankful to be His child. As I live in the moment, I can hope for a bright future. I'm also thankful for the love and support from so many people in my life. Words of encouragement that we give to one another can make all the difference in the world.